Recovered By Ice Cream

The Ben and Jerry's Story:

I needed to gain weight, it was the battle I had been dipping my toe into for the last few years. Then came a turning point. I had spent the day hiking fueling myself on an orange and replenishing with a 300 calorie sandwich from Starbucks afterwards for dinner. I got lost on the hike which extended it for hours and conveniently made me skip lunch and have to stop for that sandwich on the way home. I knew none of my usual night snacks were going to overcome the deficit I created for myself that day. But that hole I dug for myself gave me an opening to do something I had been thinking about for months but never had the courage to do: eat a pint of ice cream. 'Pint Nights' was a trend across the Instagram eating disorder community as a means to consume the thousands of calories required in recovery. I would enviously scroll through these posts but tell myself that wasn't the path for me. The weight I needed to gain wasn't drastic enough to deserve this type of indulgence. But the seed had been planted, and that night I knew if there was ever a day where I had thousands of calories to make up for it was that night.

I drove to the store and stood in the ice cream isle for probably 10 minutes over whelmed with the situation unraveling before me. There were so many choices and I was already anxious about taking part in this pint night event. I was placed immense pressure on myself to choose the perfect flavor because who knows if I would ever get this opportunity to eat a pint of ice cream again. I went back and forth pulling a flavor and placing it back. Walking a few feet to the checkout and then turning around. I almost left empty handed because the stress of the entire situation was bubbling over. Eventually, I grabbed a pint, checked out, and drove home with my heart racing and my mind second guessing myself the whole way.

I snuck up to my room feeling like I was doing something deceitful. I didn't want anyone to see me eating real ice cream, especially an entire pint. I crawled into bed, put on a cooking show, and then took my first spoonful. It was the best thing I had ever tasted. So rich and creamy and nothing like the fro-yo I had been living off of for the last 4 years. I could not believe I was allowed to eat the whole container. I made my way through the pint and stopped just shy of the end. My stomach was done. I couldn't manage another bite.

That is the only pint I have ever not finished. I now realize it was the anxiety of eating this new and terrifying food that made me feel uncomfortably full before the end. Once pints became an 'accepted food' I no longer had an issue finishing them. That applied to many other fear foods over the course of my recovery.

Going forward I was very cautious of when I was allowed to have a 'pint night'. It always had to be earned by under eating and over exercising so I justified needing the extra fuel. While that wasn't a good habit to develop, I was at least desensitizing myself to eating a high calorie, high fat product. When I could eat an entire pint of ice cream, a slice of cheese or extra spoonful of peanut butter seemed a lot less scary. Over time I got more comfortable with incorporate pints and I was able to do so even when I did not have such a huge deficit to compensate for. I was so excited about researching flavors and driving around to various stores in search of them. I was craving ice cream every night and that sparked a whole new fear...

- I was scared that if I started eating pints every night I would gain the weight I needed and then I wouldn't "need" them anymore.

- I was scared that if I started allowing myself to have them every night I would crave them every night indefinitely.

I remember reaching out to various eating disorder accounts on social media hoping they would have the answer to my fears. I never received a response that put my mind at ease. Ultimately, I just decided that if I was this scared to do it- it probably meant I should...

I started eating B&J's all the time. I loved it. No matter what I ate that day I could demolish a full pint without any trouble. I had a portion of my freezer stocked with different flavors and I would happily walk out there each evening to make my pick. I began keeping my finished pints as trophies of my progress towards recovering from my disorder. And guess what, I did crave ice cream every night. I would start to implement rules surrounding my consumption like "only on weekends", or "only on weekdays", or only "every other day". I was desperate for some routine or rule to follow that would help me feel more secure. But that was ultimately just another manifestation of my eating disorder. I had to let myself eat them freely and without judgement. And guess what else, I gained weight. Slowly at first and then a little more rapidly. Once my doctors commended me on my progress for getting to a normal weight my fear set in... am I still allowed to eat ice cream?

I kept eating pints for a while and then I noticed I did not crave them as often. Some nights I opted for other desserts like cookies or brownies and sometimes I was sick of sugar and went with something more savory like cheese and crackers or mixed nuts.

But one thing did not change, I had a snack every night and if I felt like ice cream - I had it.

That brings me to today. I don't eat full pints very often but I do have dessert every night. Now that I eat a much more balanced diet throughout the day I find that I am usually not as hungry at night like I was when my body was trying to rebuild itself. I typically have bowls or cones of ice cream vs. pints because its cheaper and I have more flexibility with my serving sizes. But one thing is for sure, I will NEVER not have ice cream in my life again and if Ben and Jerry's comes out with a new flavor you can bet I will be polishing off that pint without any hesitation.

If you have the same fears that I mentioned above I want you to know:

- Even if you gain the weight you need to in recovery that doesn't mean you can't have ice cream again. I am proof of that.

- If you are scared that once you start having a fear food you will never stop craving it, I can tell you from my experience after a few weeks or months of having something every night I did start to crave other things. After several nights in a row I would come upon a night where I really wanted a grilled cheese, or bowl of mixed nuts and popcorn. Then the next night I would be back to craving ice cream and I would let myself have it. It is a good experience to learn how to listen to yourself and stop fearing foods.