Battles with Perfectionism & Insecurity
While listening to a podcast between Oprah and Brene Brown I was struck with several “Aha moments”. They raised topics and explanations that deeply resonated with me and I felt the need to share them here, where I believe others may experience a similar connection.
Scarcity Culture: people harboring feelings of inadequacy. Never rich enough, have enough, safe enough, liked enough, loved enough, Am Enough.
This struck such a cord with me. I instantly knew I subscribed to this belief and that many of my actions were driven by this perception.
I am frugal with my Money. I feel compelled to save and always make very price conscious and un-spontaneous purchases.
I am prudent with my Time Off from work. I feel compelled to accrue as much PTO as I can and will avoid taking long vacations or sick days.
I am guarded with my Nice Things. I feel compelled to wear my expensive clothes and use my expensive electronics and appliances sparingly to prolong their value.
I am meticulous with my Food. I feel compelled to plan out my meals, know exactly how much food I have available, and never let any of it go to waste.
I am overly critical of Myself. I feel compelled to be hard on myself with the hope it will push me to be better.
I have always recognized these compulsions in myself but never had them align so clearly under one theme. And it may be that my fixation on saving my money, my time, my possessions, my food all leads back to my fear of not being enough. If I can control these other aspects of my life maybe subconsciously I believe it will help me feel less deficient overall.
Perfectionism: is not striving for excellence but rather the belief that if I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, live perfect than I can avoid blame, shame and judgment. The ultimate fear- afraid the world is going to see you as you really are and you won’t measure up.
I have always identified as a perfectionist, but it still felt validating to hear her definition and thoroughly connect with it. I believe we all crave that type of representation and understanding. To have someone say something out loud that you have thought in your head or experienced yourself.
If my grades are perfect, I will get a great job.
If I look and act perfect, I will find the perfect guy.
If I look like the perfect runner, I will be an elite athlete.
If I eat the perfect diet, I will perform at my best.
If I train perfect every day, I will execute well in races.
If I run perfect, everyone will respect me - look up to me - be proud of me - and accept me.
In my life I have always had this narrative running through my mind “if I do everything perfect- nothing bad will happen”. That bad is the blame, shame and judgement Brene talks about. My greatest fear is to be told I am not good enough. I am not sure where this deep insecurity arose from but it has been a part of my wiring for a very long time. And I often lean into it. I let my fear of failure and relentless pursuit of perfection drive my work ethic which usually results in accomplishments. But it is exhausting and it requires quite a bit of negative self-talk -- to remind yourself you aren’t enough as is, so you need to keep working to achieve more to prove to everyone and yourself that you are good, that you matter, and that you are enough.
The Casualty of these beliefs: Vulnerability (birthplace of joy, creativity, love, faith).
The Remedy: Whole Heartedness
My eating disorder revolved around a need to be the perfect athlete. My need to be a perfect athlete revolved around my need to validate my self-worth.
To be vulnerable is a terrifying act. And that is what it takes to recover from an eating disorder. You have to strip away every layer of armor that you have built around yourself until there is nothing left to hide behind. I had to remove my “perfect discipline”, my “perfect training”, my “perfect diet”, my “perfect body”. Everything that I liked about myself and that made me feel like I was exceptional.
Then I had to put myself back together again and in the process learn how to accept myself. I had to learn a new language to speak to myself that didn’t revolve around disparaging remarks. I had to learn to fail at something and not let that be a reflection of my worth as a person. And these are all lessons that are in progress but they are leading to a different goal in life, not one of perfection, but of whole heartedness.
Brene’s Definition: Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, no matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.
And from my eating disorder perspective it means:
“cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to go to bed each night and think, no matter what physical activity I did, what foods I ate, or what my body looks like, I am enough.”