My ED-Why I Was Doing The Best I Could

"Everything you have ever done, you were doing the best you could with the awareness, skills, tools, knowledge you had at the time to meet a basic need. If you have better tools/awareness you would have done better. Who you become in the process can never be taken away." – Jack Canfield

I heard this quote in a podcast and I instantly started reflecting on my ED history.

At first I wanted to challenge the quote. I thought to myself:

"I wasn’t doing the best I could be by developing an eating disorder that limited my potential on the track. I knew deep down that my behavior was wrong but I was too scared to change. But I could have done better, I could have been better".

That was my first reaction and interpretation of his comment.

But then I let it settle in and allowed myself to challenge my own thinking.

Maybe I was doing the best I could have at that time?

What was the basic need I was trying to meet?

Belonging, Self-Worth, Acceptance? All of the above.

Despite always being successful in my pursuits I very quietly struggled with self-confidence throughout my life. I never felt enough. I kept searching for more ways to validate my self-worth.

When I started running track in college I saw athletic achievement as the path to earning that value. I wanted to prove I was good enough to belong on the team, to be accepted by my teammates and coaches, and derive self-worth from outperforming other athletes.

At that time, I did not possess the skills, tools, or knowledge to meet that need in any other way.

I was doing the best I could with the resources that I had: dedication, work ethic, and discipline.

But because of my personality and the nature of what I was searching for, those traits were taken to an extreme and my world shrunk into a bubble where my eating disorder and exercise addiction consumed me.

I was stuck doing the best within my eating disorder until I developed new tools and knowledge to help me more forward.

It wasn’t until my health deteriorated that I felt inclined to try and recover. My awareness/knowledge changed.

It wasn’t until I found the eating disorder & body positivity community on Instagram that I felt understood and supported in my recovery. My tools changed.

It wasn’t until I began recovering that I was forced to learn new and healthier ways to derive self-worth. My skills changed.

With this new awareness/knowledge and skills/tools I am doing the best I can to recover from my eating disorder and live a meaningful and fulfilled life.

That is a true example of self-love. Being able to acknowledge you are doing the best you can right here and now.

That was a skill I did not possess while I was running in college, but one of many I proudly possess now.

I became a better version of myself by enduring the struggles of eating disorder recovery. The process equipped me with the tools and skills I needed to be able to meet my basic need: to have self-worth without external validation.

And the evolution I went through, the skills, knowledge, and awareness I obtained, can never be taken away. And the purpose of my blog is to share the knowledge and skills and tools that I have accumulated so that other athletes may be able to change their situation sooner than I was able to. <3