ED: The Lies I Told
I would describe myself as a very honest person. I am not a great liar and always worry about the implications if I don’t tell the truth or follow the rules. But during my ED and recovery I found myself in countless situations where I was being deceptive, blatantly lying or at least not telling the full truth. And while this definitely bothered me, it didn’t affect me enough to change my actions. Because in those moments my eating disorder became all too convincing— it was protecting itself.
The one positive is that it makes the actions driven by my eating disorder easy to distinguish.
Some that come to mind are:
Weigh In's
I always tried to drink as much water as possible and not pee before my appointments.
I also had to give a urine sample each weigh in and I remember trying desperately to pee as little as possible in the container. This took a lot of concentration because I had a full bladder and had to pee really bad.
I would always call my mom after appointments to let her know how it went. More often than not my weight was stable, but on the days that it dropped I often left that detail out. Not wanting to upset my mom and thinking to myself I would get my weight back up soon anyways.
Food Records
I have kept a lot of food records over the course of my treatments. Some were just verbal recounts, while others were detailed forms that emphasized quantity, hunger level, satiation, & mood. This was a hot spot for altering the truth.
I would often add snacks or fats that I never had. I often changed the timing of my food— they were always trying to get me to eat more around the time of my practice but I was set in my routine and had no motivation to modify it.
I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been talking to my mom and she has casually asked “oh what did you have for dinner (lunch/breakfast/etc)?” And whenever I ate something I knew she would be upset by, I lied.
"I had potatoes, chicken, and veggies" – but I really had just chicken and veggies
"I had eggs and toast for breakfast" – but I really had an apple or maybe nothing at all
"I had a salad for lunch" – but I really I had a salad with no cheese, no dressing, croutons or any “extras” and didn’t eat the bread on the side.
Workouts
I never had to lie about my workouts until I wasn’t allowed to be working out anymore— but then the flood gates opened.
I would ask my friends to go for walks or hikes when we got together to add physical activity and avoid going out to eat.
I lied a lot about the intensity of my workouts. Again, I was often asked by my mom or doctor “what did you do at the gym?”
"I just walked" – but I really I did a hill workout on the treadmill at a fast pace and was sweating the whole time.
"I did yoga" – but really I was doing as much power yoga as I could at a fast pace with lots of strength moves and jumps.
"I lifted weights" – but really I was lifting for over an hour at a manic pace, not taking breaks between exercises, always lifting heavy, and aggressively trying to chase exhaustion.
During all of these situations, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew when I was chugging water before my weigh in I was doing something wrong. I knew when I had to lie to my mom about what I ate for dinner it meant I was eating a meal I shouldn’t be. And I knew when I was sneaking off to the gym when no one was home I was doing something I was not supposed to be doing. I knew every time. I felt the guilt. I worried about being caught. But I did it anyways.
I was still fearful of committing to recovery. I didn’t want to change enough yet. I had to lie and be deceptive because I was trying to maintain my ED behaviors while trying to convince those around me I was recovering. It was a tough tight rope to walk.
But as time went on I opened more and more to the idea of real recovery until I wanted it for myself. I started following through with my actions and weighing what I was supposed to (without excess water), eating what I was supposed to, and not exercising like I was supposed to. I was reducing the situations where I had anything to lie about. And now I have reached a place where I can be honest again. And with that comes a freedom to not be constantly monitored and worried about. It is a good place to be.