The Book That Helped Me Recover
There are so many unknowns in recovery. How long it will take, how much weight you have to gain, what levels your hormones need to be, how much you have to cut back exercise. When you have an eating disorder your life is controlled by rules, numbers, and security. Embracing recovery, with all of the vagueness and uncertainty, is more often than not too tall an order to buy into on the first time around. But there is one thing that I know for certain:
-You will not get better until you accept recovery-
It took me a long time to get there with many failed attempts of halfhearted efforts. Initially, I rejected recovery all together. I was running well and that was all that mattered. Then I decided to give it a timid try. I went through all the calorie and exercise combinations except the one I knew would work. No exercise and tons of calories. I had to try every path first before acknowledging none of them worked. Doing weights but no cardio didn’t work. Adding an extra tablespoon of peanut butter didn’t work. Even eating pints of ice cream at night while barely working out did not work. Because with each attempt I was still controlled by the fact that I did not want to gain weight. I sabotaged my progress to make sure I was only gaining what I felt comfortable with. And comfort and recovery are never intertwined.
This went on for 4 years. A few fear foods conquered here and a bit less exercise there but nothing that was stimulating any real physical change. Finally, I read a book called “No Period Now What” and everything clicked. I bought in to what I needed to do. It was the scientific explanations, research, and testimonies that provided clarity to so many of the unknowns in recovery. It began to make sense why I had failed so many times before and the book mapped out exactly what I needed to do to recover. It was what I knew all along, No Exercise Eat More Food, but finally it was supported by facts and numbers and physiological explanations. For the first time I was really motivated to embrace what I had to do. The book came with a facebook group of women actively going through recovery which became a significant source of support along the way. Being able to ask questions, vent, and hear stories from others that let you know you are not going through this alone is invaluable.
Since reading the book I have stopped all exercise, gained 17lbs and counting, and watched my body soften and grow. But for the first time in all my years of recovery my weight gain is not bothering me. In the past when I had gained weight looking at myself in the mirror or stepping on a scale was extremely triggering and would often lead to a regression. But now I can do both of those things with genuine curiosity and acceptance. It has been interesting to see how my shape has changed and my weight redistribute. I look much more womanly now compared to the incredibly lean and hard physique I had as a runner. But I know from reading the book that the best path for me to become an athlete again (but healthy this time) is to trust and respect my body to find its ideal set point without my interference. I may have my current figure or it may settle somewhere inbetween the old and new but no matter what I am ready to accept it. My body has been supporting me while I have under-fueled and over exercised it for years, it's my turn to support it at whatever weight it needs to be. And I fully acknowledge that not every day is easy or a good body image day but the most important thing for me now is that I don’t let my bad days stunt my progress like I used to. I am committed to recovery and the amazing group of women I communicate with on facebook provide me with so much confidence that it will happen for me. My body will recover and be fully healthy again.
That book was what I needed to finally help me recover and if there is anyone out there who is struggling with the uncertainty of recovery and is trapped in the cycle of failed halfhearted attempts like I was, I would highly recommend this book and hope it is the same catalyst for you that it was for me.
http://www.noperiodnowwhat.com/