The Torture Of Giving Up Running For Recovery

The 400 hurdles is a brutal race. It tests everything you have. Rounding the turn to the final straightaway your lactic acid is setting in. Your legs are getting heavier and your lungs are starting to burn. Your whole body is beginning to seize up from your legs to your chest and through your arms. Everything is constricting and you are ferociously fighting it with every step you take. Because the finish line is in view and all you can think about is crossing it. The pain is almost unbearable but you don’t listen. You keep pushing forward. Your ability to endure discomfort is being tested against every runner in the lanes on either side of you. Then suddenly it’s over. You cross the line, hunch over gasping for air, and slowly your depleted body comes back to life.

I didn’t choose this event; the event chose me. I was wired with the physical and mental traits that were demanded by this race and my coaches pushed me towards it. I resisted. But once I felt myself start to excel I latched on. I understood this was where I was meant to perform, where my success would be, and where my place was.

And then, I lost it.

I lost my place.

When they asked me to stop running I said no. My eyes welled with tears, my throat tightened, and I told them it wasn’t possible. And I meant it.

Taking that away from me felt like a torture greater than that of any race I had ever run. And it was.

But I did it.

I am writing this as an athlete reaching out to all the other athletes who are facing this seemingly impossible dilemma in their life. I need you to hear me when I say there is no recovering from this eating disorder without giving up exercise.

I fought a long and difficult battle trying to prove I could be the special one to defy that statement above but I lost.

Now I can understand why the path I was on was never going to get me to recovery.

- Exercise is pumping cortisol throughout your body which is suppressing your already damaged reproductive system. The period I lost was never coming back so long as I kept my body in a constant state of physical stress.

- Exercise is making the amount of calories you need to consume to gain weight nearly impossible to manage. My body fat and weight were far too low and while I was eating to gain the exercise I was forcing myself to continue doing was making my progress miniscule if not nonexistent.

- Exercise is so intricately intertwined with your eating disorder that weight restoration will not heal the relationship you have with food, exercise, and your body. Being weight restored and eating fear foods would not equal recovery because it would not have removed the intense anxiety and compulsions I had surrounding the timing, length, intensity, and frequency of my workouts that was ruling my life.

I took a long road to get here. I had to fail over and over again before finally I could not convince myself any longer that this path I was on was ever going to work. And so I gave in. First to the no running and lifting, then to the no hikes and excessive walks, then to the no pilates and yoga. And then there was nothing left. I reached a place where there was nothing left to give.

And yes - I was vulnerable, and scared, and uncomfortable. But it was never going to be easy. The easy road never leads to transformative change and recovery is transformative. But the longer I lasted the easier it became. I started with one day, I could focus on one day of no exercise. When that was done I did the same thing the next day. Then I could commit to a full week. Then a full month. Then finally I could embrace one of the biggest facts of recovery: that my body would tell me when it was recovered. I could come up with all the timetables and weights that I wanted but ultimately my body would tell me when it was healthy again. That was one of the biggest acceptances and breakthroughs of my recovery.

And here I am waiting.

Waiting for my body to give me the okay.

I still miss my life as an athlete, and I still intend to come back to it when I am recovered. But this hiatus has forced me to grow as a person and I am stronger because of it. I am no longer defined by my athletic abilities nor imprisoned by the demands of my workout routines. Workouts are not a crutch I can hide behind any longer and because of that true recovery is in sight. And a moment when I can come back to the activities that I love with a healthy mind and body will follow.

I am not done being an athlete.

But I am done being an athlete consumed by their eating disorder.

And giving up workouts is how you get there.

* I want to add a slight disclaimer that I recognize for some athletes they can’t stop everything and recover. But there are off seasons and there are post careers and there will come a time when you will have to choose it. Prepare yourself for it now.