My ED's Fear Of Drinking

I did something this weekend that I have not done in a long time… have a drink.

My second year of college is when my eating disorder began. My goal in life became transforming into the best athlete I could be and anything that did not align with this pursuit was cast aside.

My freshman year I was a pretty normal college kid. I went to parties throughout the year, pre-gamed with friends in dorm rooms, stayed out too late, ate too much food, and had a pretty good time. I am by no means a party animal but I enjoyed participating in normal college experiences. I still maintained a focus on track- did not drink during the season and monitored my diet and sleep when it mattered.

Fast forward to the next year, my world revolved around discipline, rigidity, rules, and dedication. Now for most people this would have been a miserable situation, but I thrived in it. Yes, I no longer participated in normal college life but I derived so much purpose and gratification from the path that I was on that I didn’t care. I never felt like I was missing out because I was doing what I wanted to do. The rules gave me security, the discipline gave me confidence, and my dedication made me feel special. I rejected normalcy in favor of what I thought was the path to elite athleticism. But like everything in life, there is an optimal balance and I was living on the extreme end of it.

Drinking is one of many experiences that I used to have a normal relationship with that was then decimated by my disorder. There was no place in my life for empty calories, late nights, or spontaneity.

Over the next 6 years I can count on one hand the amount of times I drank alcohol. Even being as far along in my recovery as I am, giving up exercise... eating pints of ice cream... alcohol still remained a fear food (along with most liquid calories). It was complicated for me because I don’t like the taste. If I am going to indulge in something I need it to be something I enjoy. And to make alcohol taste palatable I would need to add additional liquid calories and that was just beyond what I have been willing to conquer.

So I avoided it. And it impacted my life.

Alcohol represented more than just a fear food. It was holding me back from having fun, dating, and getting back to a true normal lifestyle-for me. (I understand not everyone likes to/needs to drink!)

But I went away for the weekend and I made up my mind that I was going to take that leap. I went out to dinner, ordered a vodka and cranberry, and drank it all. Not only that, I enjoyed it.

If I have learned anything from my recovery it is that you have to maintain a balance of all things in your life and you are going to have to do things that make you uncomfortable. But those challenges become so much easier the second time around. We just have to get up the courage to overcome that first battle. Then not let up!

Cheers to recovery and a few more vodka cranberries in my future