What Recovery Gave Me Back
I am going to share something about my eating disorder that may be viewed controversially. My eating disorder was not a bleak period of my life. It was not filled with self-hatred or extreme physical impairment. That is not to say I did not struggle or that I was not damaging my body. But for me personally, my eating disorder and my collegiate running career, a highlight of my life, are intertwined and for that reason I will never be able to look back on that period of my life with disdain.
I recognize the statement I just made does not apply to many people. I am instantly reminded of the many transformation pictures I have seen on social media with people explaining the lifelessness in their eyes and forced smile across their face of the before picture offset by the genuine health and happiness portrayed in the after. It always makes me happy to see the positive change in those pictures. When I look back at pictures of myself running I can definitely see that I am thinner than I thought I was. But I look at my face and while it is thin and angular I know that my eyes and my smile express pure happiness.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am in no way promoting or advocating for being underweight or having an eating disorder. I wish more than anything I could pull that younger version of myself aside and explain to her what is going to happen: the damage to her body and mind she will have to overcome and more than anything the talent she is wasting by being underweight and under-fueled. But the point of this blog is to tell my story because in many ways it does not align with the more mainstream experiences of eating disorders that you can research online. Being an athlete with a disorder is different and this is one more instance where it is different for me.
As I mentioned I am not able to look back at that period of my life with disdain but I am able to see what recovery has given me back that I lost hold of several years ago.
My flexibility.
During my ED, I was not able to:
Spontaneously eat anything. That meant I could not accept an invitation to go out to dinner unless I knew about it ahead of time, go out to eat without looking up the menu beforehand, eat food at a different time or in a different quantity than what i planned for.
Reduce my physical activity. That meant I could not skip a workout or even modify a workout to be less intense than what I planned for. On days I felt I had not worked out hard enough I had to add more on my own. If I was injured I had to compensate with more activity in another area that wasn’t hurt or with my food (or both).
In essence I lost all flexibility in my life. I was so regimented with my activity, my food, and my schedule I would be thrown into a panic if anything altered my plans. I was able to control so much of my life while I was in college running that for the most part I stayed in a safe and happy little bubble with my eating disorder. But not only was that not sustainable it dramatically impaired my ability to handle the inherent variability in my life.
Now, I can accept a spontaneous invitation to go out for ice cream. I can forgo my plans to work out when I have extra work I need to finish during my day. I can eat a snack just after breakfast if I find I am still hungry and not have to suffer until my next planned meal. I can come home for dinner and not freak out if the meal has changed from what I was originally told. Things come up in life and we have to be able to adapt in order to be successful. That is something I just could not do while I was still in the grips of my disorder but it is the freedom I have found from my recovery. And I am so very happy, thankful, and proud that I did.