Running On Empty

This was a post from roughly 3 years ago. I was on my way to hike the Dipsea trail in Mill Valley California. This is one of the most difficult hikes I have ever done and covers roughly 14 miles of varied terrain with plenty of hills and stairs. I was happily posting my breakfast of plain greek yogurt and cantaloupe that I ate in the car on my way to the trail head.

Looking back now I cringe at my diet that day. To have such a light breakfast knowing that the only other sustenance I had planned for my day was a small turkey sandwich in my backpack to sustain me for hours of physical exertion was not a good plan. But on the contrary, my ED was thrilled with the situation. Hours of exercise with a small amount of 'healthy' food was a win.

Under fueling was something I had grown very familiar with...

I had learned to manipulate exercise as a means to suppress my appetite. Once I started working out my body would shut down any hunger cues and that could even last for hours after I was done. I almost always practiced on a close to empty stomach in college. Now that did have to do with not getting stomach cramps or throwing up during workouts but it also played well into my ED's hands.

After graduating I kept the same mentality and continued to use exercise as a weapon. When I would start to get hungry before noon instead of eating my lunch I would go for a workout. This would buy me time so that I could eat my lunch an hour or so after my workout when my hunger returned. The disordered bonus to this was it helped reduce the time between lunch and dinner so that I wouldn't have to eat in between. I just had to hold off my hunger until I could make it home for my next planned meal.

I can now recognize how sick my mind was. Instead of focusing on how to properly fuel my body or listening to my body at all I was consumed with thoughts of how to eat the minimum I needed to perform. I want to reiterate my goal was not to lose weight or become as thin as possible. I just wanted to be fit, lean, strong, and the best athlete I could. But my mind was twisted into believing I had to control everything I put into my body to achieve that.

But now I can see the toll that took on my body. I can recognize the damage done by pushing your body to it's physical limits without enough fuel. I can also see what the real focus should be. Nourishing your body and giving it everything it needs to perform at it's best!

Now I plan to hike this trail again in the near future and I will be having a hearty breakfast and most likely a pint of ice cream to celebrate my fun day : )