How an Athlete Develops an ED
Why did you develop an eating disorder? I’ve been asked that question in many forms from many people, and at some point I had to sit down and understand it myself. The best explanation I can give is: “I wanted to be the best athlete I could be”.
I went to college to run track not convinced I was qualified to run for a D1 program, but there I was. The training at this level was a huge upgrade to anything I did in high school. I started getting stronger and faster and was able to hold my own in workouts. I was a 100m & 200m sprinter and earned a spot on our 4x1 relay. I spent that first year constantly intimidated by the caliber of my teammates and competitors but I was gradually coming to realize that I could perform at this level. I had so much fun training, traveling, and becoming friends with my teammates that year. Then I got hurt. I spent the last part of the season battling nagging injuries likely due to the long intense season my body was not used to coming from high school. I was able to run at our conference meet (not well), but it was an amazing experience and after that I knew that the next time I came to conference I was going to have an impact.
I devoted that summer to improving my foundation. My goal was to start the year in great shape and build my resiliency to injuries throughout the season. I was in the gym everyday going through my rehab exercises, strengthening my core, and working on my flexibility. Then I moved to my diet; I became more aware of what I was eating. It started innocently. I just wanted to fuel my body better. But the "healthier” eating paired with the consistent workouts had me slowly losing weight. I started to see more definition in my muscles, my abs, and I felt like I was transforming into what an elite athlete should look like. My hard work was being reflected by my body and I liked what I saw and how it made me feel. But it was that connection that led to my spiral.
I showed up to the first workouts of my 2nd year with a new discipline, focus, and physique to show for it. I received a lot of positive feedback from my teammates and coaches which reinforced my mindset. I was running great, became the captain as a sophomore, and started revolving every part of my life around track; I was loving it. But the spiral continued. I kept setting higher bars for myself and more rules to follow. I stopped going out at night because I was adamant about getting enough sleep. I stopped drinking because it didn’t align with my perception of the lifestyle of an "elite athlete” (& the empty calories). My diet became increasingly more restricted. It was my first year living on my own (outside of dorms) with the ability to cook all of my meals. I fell in love with cooking and developed an obsession with making every meal 'healthy'. I spent hours researching nutrition facts, looking up 'healthy' recipes on Pinterest, and combing through grocery stores in search of low calorie products I could incorporate into my meals. I was living in my own perfectly controlled world and I was good at it.
The only person who had an issue with my lifestyle was my mom. Every time I came home to visit I was a little thinner. The compliments for my lean body started turning to whispers of concern. I dismissed them. Then the whispers of concern turned into threats to force me to leave school and come home as my weight continued to drop. I said I would eat more to appease her, but I had no motivation behind it. Her threats felt empty because my grades were high and I was running great which was all that I cared about). Eventually she intervened. I was forced to go to a doctor whose response to my mom's concern was a brief lecture about the importance of a well-rounded diet. My mom, sensing this doctor did not understand the magnitude of the situation, finally interrupted saying “you realize if you tell her to go to the store to buy 2% milk she CANNOT do it”. That was the first of many appointments with many professionals. I was allowed to keep running as long as I was “getting help”. So over the next three years I worked with several dieticians, doctors, and therapists. My blood test results and weight were always just stable enough to keep them from preventing me from running. And while they offered recommendations toward recovery I never really engaged with any of them. I was running well and that was all that mattered to me, I had no intentions of changing. By the time my senior year came around the focus has transitioned away from getting me to recover and toward keeping me stable so that I could finish my last season and then graduate and not have track to deter my compliance with recovery.
My eating disorder interfered with my execution of one of the most fundamental concepts of training to be an elite athlete, fueling your body. I wanted to be the best athlete I could be and along the way I prevented myself from reaching my potential.
That is what this site is all about. Helping anyone else in a similar situation to not make that same mistake I did.