Athletes and Their Coaches
Did my coaches know I had an eating disorder?
- One had an idea the other did not.
Did they ever get involved?
- No.
I had a female sprint coach my first 3 years of collegiate running. She was with me when I ran my freshman year without an eating disorder and she was with me my sophomore year when it all began. I showed up at the start of my 2nd year leaner than before, but I was fast and strong so there was no reason for concern. As the season went on and we were traveling to meets she noticed I was eating very 'healthy' but again I could lift more than my teammates who were bigger than me and I was at the top of the pack in workouts so there was no reason for concern.
The closest we ever came to acknowledging I had a problem was when I was called into her office to be reprimanded for sulking after a bad meet. She told me- “you want it too bad, you’re giving up everything (food/fun) and you’re putting too much pressure on yourself”. Walking out of the meeting I understood my behavior at the meet was unacceptable (especially because I was a captain) but the concept of wanting it too badly did not resonate with me. That was what I was going for; I was going to want it so badly that I could will myself to becoming the successful athlete I dreamed of. The rest of our communication over the remaining three years was a jab here or a comment there. I know there was some concern behind the words but never enough to acknowledge the issue. “Go eat a cheeseburger” was a phrase I heard countless times or when I jokingly asked to become a heptathlete she responded “sure, if you gain 15lbs”. There was the time I was scolded for choosing a Starbucks sandwich for dinner at the airport over the burritos and Chinese food my teammates ordered. Or the time we stopped at Wendy’s after an indoor meet and I was determined not to eat the fast food and kept telling her I would make myself dinner when I got home. She would not back down so I ordered a plain chicken sandwich. But all in all these were micro occurrences and the rest of the time it was business as usual, I trained hard, competed well, and led our team.
My senior year I got a new coach. He had only seen the eating disorder me but he liked what he saw. He loved my intensity, work ethic, leadership, and lean body. I went from getting remarks about how I was too small or needed to indulge in food to being praised constantly for my physique and dedication. I looked like an elite athlete, I was training like an elite athlete, and I had a coach who believed I could be an elite athlete. Safe to say it made any motivation for my recovery shrink drastically. In his defense, he was used to working with professional athletes and had never seen me at a higher weight to question that this wasn’t my natural body type. I whole-heartedly believe he had no idea I had an eating disorder and I never told him.
I recognize identifying/intervening with an athlete who has an eating disorder is extremely complex and it is hard for a coach to know when it is necessary to get involved. Especially when their athletes are performing during practice and competition. That is why having medical professionals involved is important. My eating disorder doctor at the school told me that if my weight ever dropped too low or I had any physical indications that I should not be running they would be forced to tell my coach and pull me from training. A good protocol but for me that never happened. I managed to walk that tight rope for 3 years and stay just stable enough to keep my disorder to myself.
I have wondered what would have happened if my coaches did find out and I had been forced to take time off to recover.
Would that have been the motivation I needed to overcome my eating disorder?
Would I have come back and completed my final seasons stronger and faster?
- I like to think that would have been the case but unforunately I’ll never know.