My Goal Wasn't to Lose Weight
“You are Anorexic.”
I heard that several times over the course of my eating disorder. My mom was trying desperately to get me to recognize that I had a problem. But the issue with that tactic was that label did not resonate with me at all. I would blankly stare back and think “No I am not. I am not skipping meals in fact I eat quite often and large amounts. I am not trying to be skinny that is the opposite of what I want. I want to be lean, fast and strong not frail and weak.”
And so I continued my behavior. I trained relentlessly and made sure every piece of food I consumed met my standard of 'healthy'. A quote from the book PR: A Personal Record of Running from Anorexia (link is in the resource section) described my thought process to a T.
"I absolutely loved running. It never felt like a chore to me, and I wanted to eat just enough so I could run very well…running was not usually about burning more calories or a method to achieve a certain weight. My focus was on being the best runner I could be."
I did not do extra workouts to lose weight and I did not eliminate high calorie or fat foods from my diets because I wanted to be skinny. I was trying to be the best athlete I could be and every meal and every workout was an opportunity to either succeed or fail in my pursuit of that goal and I wanted to succeed more than anything.
Yes, in the grand scheme of things I did fear gaining weight because I felt like it would slow me down and de-rail me from success. And in that fear an eating disorder found a perfect place to grow and thrive. I was not anorexic but I had an eating disorder. One that that was so intertwined with my identity as an athlete it was hard for some and often me to distinguish.
That is where an eating disorder will disrupt rationality. When I looked at myself I saw a six pack that never softened, defined muscles that could power clean more than any other sprinter on my team, and strong legs that could carry me to the front of workouts. But people outside of my track world saw an unusually muscular, skinny girl. One who would likely have power cleaned even more and ran even faster if she was not limited by the control of her eating disorder.