Attending a Wedding with an ED

Last night I went to my brother’s wedding. I had an absolute blast. But I wanted to take the time to reflect on what it’s like to attend an event like that when you have an eating disorder.

Over the past several years every event that involved food was anxiety provoking. I could always make it through the event but I was very careful to only eat small amounts of the safest foods I could find. This meant avoiding appetizers, filling up with whatever veggie and lean protein was available, and always being “too full” for dessert. I would spend the whole time thinking:

- First about when the food would come out

- Next about what I would let myself have and how much

- Then how to appear normal to everyone around me while I either ate a ridiculous amount of veggies or pushed food around my plate pretending to eat more than I was

- Finally came the passing on dessert because I was "too full" while planning my night snack for when I got home

Today I am much farther along in my recovery. I have conquered almost every food I can think of and have a lot more practice eating out than I did back then. But this wedding was still challenging and I wanted to walk through it.

Shuffling along the buffet line my instinct was to grab the carved turkey over the beef, the roasted veggies over the mashed potato bar, and steer clear of the dinner rolls in the basket on the table. I started with a plate I felt comfortable with and then I had to be honest with myself and recognize I was avoiding enjoying certain foods because of my ED. I went back to the buffet and grabbed a scoop of mashed potatoes and I went back for more turkey but had gravy on the side this time.

I was so excited for the dessert bar and had been looking forward to trying all of the different options. I grabbed a cream puff and put it down after one bite. Then I tried the cheesecake and that also was a one bite wonder. I danced for a while and then made my way over to the ice cream sundae bar (what I was really eager for) and had a scoop each of vanilla and chocolate, caramel and chocolate sauces, then peanuts and oreos. YUM! I ate all of this but ice cream is not only one of my favorite foods but also one of my most conquered fears so it feels safer than most challenging foods.

I thought I was pretty far along in my recovery but I was surprised to see how much being at the wedding still affected me. I had gone into the event thinking "enjoy yourself, no food worries tonight just eat everything you want and have fun". I did have a fantastic time and I did not really experience any anxiety around the food or eating. This is much more about recognizing how much thought still went in to my food choices. How my mind strategized walking along the buffet line and how I had to push back against my ed instincts.

The fact that I was eating mashed potatoes and desserts even if they were small portions shows how far I’ve come. And the ice cream sundae really shows it. But this also proved to be a moment to see where I have been and where I still need to go.

Everyone at a wedding is there to have a good time and enjoy themselves. People eat and drink way too much but that is part of the culture of celebrating. You indulge, you eat everything that you want and then some but it isn’t at the forefront of your mind circulating your thoughts. The celebration is.

So again, I had a fantastic time and I am proud of how I handled my eating disorder through the night but I am looking forward to progressing to the point where I will be un-phased by a buffet line or big event and am able to enjoy myself carefree with everyone else.

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