When Athletics Becomes Your Identity
I watched this video and at one point my eyes welled with tears because Shawn's words struck a nerve. She spoke to a struggle that I continue to endure, and one many of you may battle as well.
"If I failed at being a gymnast, then I failed at being a human being."
I gave everything I had to my sport. I revolved my life and ultimately myself around it.
My car had my college's track and field sticker in the back window. My backpack had my college track and field logo on it. I wore my track clothes to practice and everywhere else. I wanted everyone to know I was a college track athlete and I made it easy for them.
I was so proud of my sport, of my team, and of myself. My identity became intertwined with being a college athlete.
But you cant be a college athlete forever...
When the time came for me to hang up my spikes, I wasn't ready. I felt like I had not reached my full potential, and that I had unfinished business left on that track. But four years was all I had, and I knew it was coming.
So I graduated, moved home, and started my career. But I still identified as a college athlete. I still wore my college track clothes to the gym, and I still trained just as hard and as often. And if anyone ever asked for an interesting fact about me, it was always "I ran track in college". I wasn't ready to part with that and so I took it with me. But it was a crutch. Because I didn't know who I was without it.
I liked the college athlete version of myself, I was proud of that version of myself. Without it, I didn't know who I was, if I mattered, or if I was good enough.
It took a long time, of gradually letting go and learning how to stand on my own. I had to figure out new ways to gauge my success. I had to replace pride from good times in a workout with pride from a tough project completed at work. I had to replace my title as captain of the track and field team to financial analyst. I used work as a new domain to explore my abilities and see how other people viewed me.
When you give yourself over completely to your sport it is a life changing experience. But you also have to stay grounded with who you are as a person. Let being an athlete enhance you, but don't let it define you. Because there may come a day, whether you choose it or not, when you aren't one anymore. And you have to move forward and you have to know who you are and that you are still significant.