Why being an ED athlete is complex & how to over come it
There is nothing simple about recovering from an eating disorder. But recovering from an eating disorder as an athlete adds another layer of complexity.
1. What you love is hurting you
You love your sport. You love to train, to compete, to be a part of a team, to be active. You are good at it, and derive value and self-worth from it. The issue here is being underweight and physically active is hurting you. Whether you have reached the point where it is adversely affecting your performance or not, it is taking a toll on your body and there will be ramifications to face.
2. You can’t differentiate between ED and your passion
You have an ongoing struggle to decipher your motivation for working out. Am I going for a run because I want to and it will make me feel good or am I going for a run because I will feel anxious the rest of the day if I don’t? The answer is almost always both. There are the clear instances when you are sick, hurt, or plain exhausted and you are forcing yourself to exercise because you can’t cope with the discomfort placed on you by your ED if you don’t. But the rest of the time… it is very hard to discern.
3. Your fear is compounded
It is no secret that we eat to fuel ourselves as athletes. But one way or another that gets contrived into working out in order to eat. You have a hard practice; you don’t worry much about what you are having for dinner. You have a pre-meet day and only go through warm-ups; you are instantly dialed in to everything you are going to feed yourself for the rest of that day. Now your care team is asking you eat not only but It is a double dose of fear. On their own each is already a huge challenge. Combine them, the difficulty compounds exponentially. Unfortunately, you can’t get through recovery without overcoming this phase.
4. You’re losing your coping mechanism
You have grown up playing sports. They are a coping mechanism for you by providing a physical release as well as a place for comfort and familiarity. When you receive bad news or your plate is too full, your urge to run, bike or lift will increase dramatically as you need an outlet to physically exert yourself and relieve that stress. The same applies for being placed in an uncomfortable place or situation; you crave something familiar, something you know how to do, and something you are good at. Now you are being asked to overcome your eating disorder (one of the most stressful experiences that can be placed on you) and you can’t use your coping mechanisms.
So what do you do? How do you get over these challenges?
1. Health has to be the priority
You have to get on board with this. Until you recognize your health is at risk and the consequences you are facing, I don’t think you will truly ever be motivated to recover. It took a long time for me to acknowledge this. When you get discouraged, anxious, or plain upset with your situation you have to repeat to yourself “I AM NOT HEALTHY”. You have to tell yourself over and over and over again until it sinks in and you make the necessary changes to get better.
2. Find new avenues to challenge yourself
As an athlete you crave competition and challenge. You are used to pushing yourself to your limit and that is no longer going to be an option for a while, at least physically. Instead you have to find alternatives that are much less stressful on your body. For me that meant yoga and work. I took up yoga thinking it was my only option to stay somewhat active while giving my body a break. I soon learned how challenging it can be and I started to really enjoy going to classes and practicing on my own. It gave me a new outlet to learn and challenge myself. What’s great about yoga is the flexibility component, which is something you can work on without over stressing your body. I highly recommend work on your flexibility because not only is it good for you, but it lets you move (which is something you will crave), and it gives you something to work on and track your progress (something else you will be craving). My other outlet was work. I started pouring much more effort into my job and deriving gratification from the non-athletic successes I was having there. So find another channel for your energy, be it work, school, volunteering, art, music etc.
3. Learn to talk it out
Your anxiety is going to sky rocket and you aren’t going to be able to go for a run to help bring yourself down. The best tool I found is to learn how to articulate your feelings, say it out loud. That is why most people see a therapist during this time, because they need to work through these discomforts. Therapy was never all that helpful to me personally but I had my own therapist in my mom. It became imperative I had someone who I could talk to about all of my struggles. From sobbing on my floor because my pants did not fit, to being paralyzed over a restaurant menu that didn’t have safe options, to being scared to add that slice of cheese to my sandwich. She was there to listen and that alone helped me work through those challenges. I quickly realized that once I said my disordered thought out loud it lost so much of its power and I was able to see the situation much more rationally either by myself or through the explanation of my mom about why it wasn’t such a big deal.
4. You will be a better athlete
Hands down this was what spoke to me the most. All I ever wanted was to be the best athlete I could be. If you are underweight and not eating enough you are not performing at your best. I was never able to overcome my disorder while I was still competing so I live with the regret of not knowing what I could have been. Don’t get to that point; make the change now while you have time to discover your true potential. Trust me; you don’t want to let your disorder rob you of this opportunity. Now I must use the motivation that one day I will get to be active again. I will get to run, bike, lift and possibly compete in something and I will only get there if I do the hard work of recovery now.