Listen Up- You Have A Problem And You Aren’t Going To Fix It On Your Own
- athleteswitheds
- Oct 22, 2016
- 3 min read
One thing I know for sure is that you will never see yourself being as sick as you really are. It’s a product of the disorder, and something you can’t really get around. But what I urge you to do is listen up. When doctors, therapists, coaches, friends and family are all telling you something, it’s probably true. Even if it’s just one of these people, what they are saying is warranted because you're just never going to be able to see the situation clearly.
You aren’t going to notice the weight loss because you see yourself every day so for you it’s gradual, but beyond that you are going to be enjoying it anyway.
If you have a bad workout you are going to find another excuse besides, “my body is struggling to keep up because of my eating disorder”.
When you can’t participate in the conversation at a restaurant because you are so focused on finding the healthiest option on the menu, and then second guessing your choice every minute until it comes, that feels normal to you.
When you go grocery shopping and spend hours perusing the aisles looking at foods you will never buy, and reading nutrition facts for everything, it’s because you just love food right? Not that you have a disorder and are obsessed with food.
And even if you get to the point where you recognize you may have a bit of an issue, that your thoughts and actions aren’t completely normal, you will think you can fix yourself on your own and don’t need help.
To sum it up, your life is always going to feel normal and even if it doesn’t you will think you can manage it yourself. You are just an extra snack or slice of cheese on your sandwich away from silencing the critics.
From my own experience, this wasn’t the case. I remained in the denial phase for quite a while refusing to acknowledge I had a disorder. My mom would scold me when I came home from college for my weight and say “you are anorexic” but I just let it roll off me. That label did not mean anything to me.
For any bad workout I had (which was rare), I had teammates doing worse than me so I would write it off as a tough day for everyone. If I did not compete well I would fall back on it being a mistake with my step pattern in the hurdles but never that I just wasn’t strong enough to execute the race I should have. A sticking point for me with this was even though I did not race as well as I should have, I had so many strong practices under my belt that it let me deny there was a problem.
Finally I did acknowledge I had a disorder, but I was sure I could manage it myself. I was sure I could still eat how I wanted but just needed to add a few extra 'healthy' calories here and there. I would gain a little weight only to notice it and lose it just as fast.
With time winding down and my opportunity to reach my potential closing in I was motivated to try and make a real change, to listen to all of the people who had been trying to help me for years. But when my new coach told me I was perfect just the way I was, that was just the excuse I needed to forgo any attempt at recovery (at least while I was still an athlete).
That’s the thing; you are always looking for a reason to justify your behavior, a defense to allow you not to change. Because that is what feels safe and secure and just plain right. Changing means an enormous amount of effort, discomfort and uncertainty. It means challenging every ounce of you that is telling you that breaking these rules and rituals is wrong.
But that brings me full circle. You can’t trust your perception. While you are entrenched in an eating disorder you have lost touch with yourself and reality. You can’t see you have a problem and even if you do you can’t recognize the severity. It will always feel less severe than it really is. And that isn’t your fault. Every one of us that has experienced this mental illness has been in the exact same position. But that is why I have to advocate for listening to those around you. You have to recognize if others are telling you that you need help, you need help. Even when you feel like you have everything under control. The longer you wait, the deeper you go, and the harder it is for your body and your mind to climb out.
Comments